I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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