How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
