You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
