I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
