Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I've blown a few things in my day
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
