Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
