I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
