life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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