Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
