I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
