i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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