It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
this boner is exhausting
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
