dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
