you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
