just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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