Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
