Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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