grandma shit on top of the toilet
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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