did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
