I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
