I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
