i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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