People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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