They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
