Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize