I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He passed out mid-signature
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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