I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
