That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
