i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
