just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
