I smell stomach acid.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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