Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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