I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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