So drunk its hurt
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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