Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
