there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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