Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
