Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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