The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
