Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
