There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Mom said you looked used
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
