bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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