Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
