So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
