Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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