why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
