fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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