my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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