I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
