I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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