Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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