Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
