There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
